我不要， 我决定

我不要再看见

我不要再理会

我不要再介意

我不要再伤心

我不要再付出

我不要再等待

我不要再失望

我不要再心疼

我不要再喜欢

我不要

我不要了...

我决定不去看

我决定不去理

我决定不不去介意

我决定不去伤心

我决定不付出

我决定不等待

我决定不失望

我决定不心疼

我决定不喜欢

我决定

我决定了...

A Picture in Mind

Suddenly, a picture came into my mind.

I saw my grandpa came back after dialysis.

Colours drained out from his face, pale...

He walked to the an old lying chair.

He sat on it,Lying down slowly.

He smiled to me, "Didi, can you take a small cup of hot water for me?"

I was 6 years old. I really don't much pain he had suffered after dialysis.

I took a small plastic blue cup, dispensed some hot water and added with some warm water.

I passed it to him.

"Thankyou" he said.

He took the cup I handed to him.

He slowly drank the hot water.

I was wondering, "How he can finish those hot water?"

I do not have the knowledge on kidney failure at that time.

Now I acquired.

I know how much pain he had been through.

How he doted me when I was young.

How he brought me to buy ice cream by his motorbike.

I couldn't stop my tearing streaming down from my eyes,

I think this is one of the most unforgetful memory I had.

Crying.... (T^T)

Today is June 24, 2010. My mood very bad now, I'm down in the dump...I'm crying...No shelters for me anymore...Tayshawn, where are you? Left you I can talk to...Huhuhuhuhu...*Crying*...

PS: Bibi, sorry...

Hahahahahahahaha...(T^T)

Today is June 21, 2010. I'm feeling blue recently, this kind of feeling came back again...I really scare the history will repeat again...

Again, the intensity of this feeling is so strong, irresistible and inevitable...

My life is going to engulf by sorrow, it's so torturing and suffocating. I'm going to asphyxiate in this environment, I wanna go away, to ignore all these feelings, ignore those words, ignore those scenes, ignore everything...

I expected too much. Expecting has amplified disappointment. I shouldn't think so much, expect so much, I should just let it go, ignore everything...then my life will be better...

My heart is so weary, I don't have strength to fight for it anymore, I'm dread to lay a finger on these things anymore...Seriously, I haven't recovered from the nightmare 4 years ago...I need many people now...Bibi, Tayshawn, Wenhao...I'm dying for hugs from them...

I need ears, I miss my best listener, where are you? I lost one of them, Sorry for being childish...Can you come back?

Now, what I can do is laughing. Laugh can dissimulate everything...Laughing is the remedy, the elixir...

"Hahahahahaha...Hahahahahahaha" Do you know how much sorrow are ensconced in this laughter?

PS: I forgot to mention, my hamster gave birth today...Five babies...

PS*: Bibi, I know you always is my listener...

Alone

Today is April 23, 2010. Nothing goes right or wrong, my live still going on, just have a irrepressible loneliness...This is the first time I ever feel that sleeping alone in my room is that quiet, is that cold, is that lonely...

I think now is the time for me to adapt to this kind of life, my best friends are going to move away from me, even though the distance is not that far, but it seems unreachable...

I really don't know how to survive for the coming semesters, without all your laughter and jokes. My life is going to envelope by bleak darkness and silence. I WILL TRY NOT TO miss you all so much, or else my life will be misery, because I knew I will...

Every time I turn my head back when I'm studying, I still hope to see a familiar face, sitting behind, playing FB, listening to all kinds of heavy metal songs...I really hope that he can turn back, smile wickedly at me again. Gazing at his receding figure has slowly become my habit...I want to quit this so-called bad habit, but I can't...but I will try NOT TO do so...But at least I know now you live happier and surrounded by more laughter then before...

My friend, I miss everything from you,

Your jokes
Your laughter

Your silliness

Your smell

Your smily face

Your sleeping face

Your snoring sound

Your Evil mind (always torture my hamsters)

I will keep all these you left for me, in my mind, forever...

I really miss you very much, my best friend........

PS: Bibi, please don't jealous...hope you can understand...

Neglected

Today is 25th of December..Christmas..why the feeling for being neglected are getting stronger and stronger until I can't take it anymore...

Am I being too sensitive?or paranoid?why this feeling can't just spare me off?Did I offended them?because I treated all people around me very bad?or not good enough?

Yes, I am not a good guy, not a good son, not a good friend, and even not a good boyfriend...I deserved it...I shouldn't waste my time to do and make those things to get my friends attention just because I don't want to be neglected...Is time to make a choice Rannie...

To choose: "Whether you still want to continue or surrender?"

An irrevocable gap

Today is 23rd of December...feeling down today...I suddenly feel like those friends I cherished are no longer close to me anymore...The gap between me and them are getting bigger and I'm almost unable to reach them...just because I seldom come back to kluang?or I am a burden for them because I unable to drive myself?or my vicious mouth spouted any nonsense? That's all I can figure out why I'm unwelcomed...
I really don't know what to...pray to the God?just let it be?or I just focus on my new friends?I slowly became not important to everyone (except my bibi,because I know we love each other)..I really want to be a good friend to all my friends..I will try...no matter pray to the God, learn to drive, or change my vicious mouth...I will try my best to become a better person and also a good friend to all friends around me...because I cherish everyone of them...